Fear and Expansion – Height Phobia and Earth

I left my corporate job and in a couple of days, I went to a road trip to Southern Utah and Colorado. People call there as Four Corners, I believe. Being Naomi, she really doesn’t like a structure and rather she likes spontaneity. Hence, this trip was not really planned much. My coworker was from Utah, and he gave me some input on where to visit. Other than that, I didn’t know how the road was like, how the place was like. I just knew that I needed to go to this road trip so that I could reset my energy system from the corporate work to my spiritual, healing work from there on. So, I did.

Regardless of some people asking me if I didn’t feel scared and what if my car gets stuck somewhere, the only answer I could come up with was, “I’ll think about it when it happens.” The car shop tried to talk me into fixing the brake system before this trip which was a half of what they put together would be $1000. What’s the point of going to the trip if I have to spend that much. Then, I’d better not go to the trip since I don’t even plan to spend that much (I might have after all, but that’s another story.)  So, I didn’t take the words for it and listened to my intuition telling me it would be fine. Good thing I didn’t plan or research this trip or else, I might not have done any of these destinations.

One big thing I didn’t know I had to face on this trip daily was my height phobia. I pretty much do and go anywhere alone which I probably don’t look like such kind. Though, this height thing is not even funny. The thing is… This trip was through Eastern Washington, Eastern Oregon, through Idaho and then Utah to Mesa Verde Colorado. Silly goose me didn’t think that there were mountains and hills to go through. Man… It wasn’t even funny.

I was sweating like no tomorrow everyday by driving those mountains and hills which were in the middle of humongous nature. It was quite heart pumping but I was managing ok till I decided to take a self guided tour to Mesa Verde Indian cliff dwellings. No one wrote “cliff” dwelling on the title as clearly for moi. I could only remember reading the Indian dwellings and cool thing. Although I knew I wasn’t really interested in seeing the Indian dwellings, I thought I would give it a shot and started to drive from the information center of the park.

Oh boy… If I knew.. If someone had told me the road goes up the mountain and it’s a “cliff” driving, I would have never taken off. You know? I’m serious when I say I have a height phobia. My energy was leaving from my body. My head got dizzy. I was beyond scared and thought I could never come back. The thing is.. No matter how scared and immobile I was, there was no way I could stop in the middle of the narrow road while other cars were behind of me. No matter how steep or how angled the slopes were, there was no rest place. I was seriously crying silently.

By the time I made it to the fire look out high point, I couldn’t even get out of my car. I thought I needed to collect myself together and got out of my car to maybe walk up the fire look out tower up the hill. What was I thinking. The interesting thing was that my lungs managed to shrink in such fear, so I had a beyond shallow breathing. I made it to the top and I sat down. I thought I could never drive down to my normal life (down the hills). I thought I would ask someone to drive me down by my car. The thing is, though, I had a tool called meditation. So, I started to meditate and clean up, blow up all the fears and whatever had been showing up at that time. Then, I was calmer than I could remember last time I could be this calm. As scary as it was and I was driving 10 miles per hour to down the hills, I made it through obviously. I was in tears with fears honestly.

I’ll never say that my height phobia is gone because of this trip. However, this height challenge was daily on this trip. Who planned this trip?!! Though, one thing for sure I could say about while I was experiencing this fear was I could not stop. I could not stop because it was too dangerous for me and for other drivers if I stopped. So, I didn’t have a choice. Still, it was beyond my expression how I was feeling meanwhile. Still, I drove… kept going….. Maybe.. maybe when we feel any fear in life can be dealt like this.

Regardless of this tense experiences everyday, how the earth presented itself in front of me was just an awe. I live in Seattle, surrounded by nature they say. It’s nothing like Utah where hundreds of miles are nothing but red rocks. I never wondered, while living in the city, if I get stuck somewhere, I might have to worry about survival. This trip made me wonder about survival a lot in this humongous nature, nothing but nature.

The view of ginormous rocks, mountains and canyons was I could never forget. How the canyon was created. How the great Colorado River flowed through the land and created canyons, then made enormous Lake Powell. I’ve never seen anything like that in life. Well, I’ll take it back, I did see the Grand Canyon in Nevada when I was young, but I was young and stupid that I didn’t have much appreciation to the nature at that time. (I fell a sleep on the Cessna tour.) This time was different. Very different. I was so much more aware and I could feel the gravity, the energy of earth, energy of rocks, trees, rivers, lakes…

I would like to share the card I got at the Mesa Verde. It was the only card which was applicable for my trip at that point and still after the trip, this was the right card for me. It’s by Ilan Shamir, Your True Nature in Colorado.

Advice from the Canyon
Carve out a place for yourself
Aspire to new plateaus
Stand the test of time
Don’t get boxed in
Listen to the voice of the wind
It’s OK to be a little off the wall
Reach Deep!

by Ilan Shamir, Your True Nature

This trip expanded my horizon. Yes, I did have to face my fear everyday, but it was so much worth to receive this expansion in my soul. I can now assist people to expand. Would you like to? Let’s do it!

Moab, Utah